


All I Want is Reality and You

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Drama, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-25 01:33:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6174973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You're doing the world a service, Trevor Langan.  Keeping lonely people from jumping off bridges.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I Want is Reality and You

**Author's Note:**

> I am also working on a timeline for these two characters. I think a lot of it takes place at the same time that Liv and Ed were falling for each other, which is why no one noticed anything. Everyone was kinda busy.

“Trevor Langan.”

“Hi.”

“Hi.” Trevor’s voice softened. “Where are you calling from? I have like four numbers for you in my phone and this isn't one of them.”

“I don’t know, one of the office lines.” Rafael replied. “My phone is dead, amongst other things today.”

“Hold on, let me go somewhere that I can talk. Are you alright? You don’t sound alright?”

“Am I taking you away from something?”

“Are you alright, Rafael?” Trevor asked the question again. He walked into his office and closed the door.

“I have to depose 60 women who have been physically and sexually abused in a sweatshop in Manhattan. Its 2015 and there are sweatshops in Manhattan that also front as prostitution rings and 60 Southeast Asian women, who barely understand the language and culture, have to be interrogated by lawyers and cops. It must scare the hell out of them, not even mentioning the bigwigs they are going up against. Fuckin Crawford, he is such scum. This is low even for him.”

“When are the depositions?”

“Thursday and Friday. Liv is going to be there, and lawyers from the Cambodian Embassy, that’s where most of the women are from. Some are from Vietnam and some from Laos. I just…” Rafael sighed.

“You need a break, Rafi. You push yourself too hard but I'm not going to beat you up about it because I'm sure you’ve been beating yourself up enough.”

“I just wanted to hear a friendly voice. I was feeling alone and I didn’t want to feel that way anymore.”

“Do you want to come over tonight?” Trevor asked. “You should leave the office no later than seven, pick up some pizza, and we’ll watch Netflix.”

“It’s Wednesday night, I'm sure you have something better to do than entertain your ex.” Rafael said.

“You're more than my ex…you're my friend. You don’t have to, I won't force you. But my door is open.”

“Are you seeing anyone?”

“Do you mean dating?” Trevor asked. “Who has time for something like that? I work all the time. And when I'm not working I'm sleeping or spending time with Noah. The older we get, the harder it is to share certain parts of yourself with someone you just don’t know.”

“Are we sad?” Rafael asked.

“You might be sad. I'm plucky and handsome.”

“You are kinda handsome.”

“An older lady hit on me in Bergdorf’s the other day.” Trevor said. “That felt nice. Her name is Ellen, and I'm taking her to the theater next week.”

“You have a date?”

“It’s technically a date, I guess, I'm just arm candy.”

“A random woman picks you up and now you're going to the theater. Hey, if this lawyer thing doesn’t work out you can always look into fulfilling the fantasies of cougars.”

“I'm at least two decades past my kept man phase.” He laughed. “But I do get to see _Hamilton_ for the third time and probably have a lovely dinner afterwards.”

“Would it be rude for me to ask if Ellen is expecting anything more?” Rafael asked.

“Yes.” Trevor replied.

“Yes it’s rude or yes, she's expecting more?”

“I'm not going to sleep with Ellen. I'm going to escort her to the theater so that she's not lonely, just like I offered to watch Netflix and have pizza with you so that you're not lonely.”

“You're doing the world a service, Trevor Langan. Keeping lonely people from jumping off bridges.”

“That’s not funny. You really don’t sound alright. I'm worried about you.”

“I'm fine.” Rafael lied. “It’s been such a long week and I'm barely at the halfway mark. I just need to refuel.”

“Well my offer stands. Drag yourself away from the insanity tonight and get a little quiet time. I've been in this office since 7:30 this morning on a conference call to Kyoto so I will definitely be home before seven. Just ring my bell, like the old days.”

“The old days.” Rafael smiled a bit. “Do you ever think about the old days?”

“In what way?” Trevor asked.

“I don't know, in any way at all?”

“I haven’t today but it’s been rather busy.”

“I need to go. I just wanted to call and say hello. I know that I haven’t been around much lately…”

“Your work keeps you busy, Rafi. I understand because mine does too. I'm looking forward to basketball shorts, no shirt, bare feet, and something ridiculous on TV that I don’t have to pay that much attention to. It’s been a while since I was able to just fully relax. And then tomorrow I have Noah so I get fun for two days in a row.”

“You better be careful before I have to report you to the ABA. Lawyers aren’t supposed to have that much fun.”

“You're hanging out with the wrong lawyers.” Trevor laughed.

“Clearly. I’ll talk to you later, OK?”

“OK. Hey Rafi?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.” Trevor said. There was a long silence on the phone. “Hello? Rafael, are you still there?”

“I'm here. I love you too, Trev. See ya.”

Rafael hung up the phone. His hand still lingered on the receiver. There were plenty of hours left in his day and he needed to focus. His head needed to be in the right space and Rafael wasn’t sure what he could do to get there. There was a lot of weight on his shoulders; he needed to get away. 

Vacations in the DA’s office were a dream. They all had vacation time, they also had cases piled up until Christmas. How would he explain to those 60 abused women that Bora Bora sounded better than getting them some much-needed justice? It was time to get back to work. Whatever this was, Rafael needed to shake it off and move on. Deep breaths, salted pecans, and case files…Wednesday was just over the halfway mark.

***

“I would've buzzed in but the girl from the first floor recognized me.” Rafael said when Trevor opened the door to his apartment. “She held the door for me.”

“You’ve charmed my neighbors, colored me shocked.”

“You weren't kidding when you said basketball shorts and no shirt, were you?”

“No.” Trevor waved him into the apartment. “After my shower earlier I just walked around naked for a half hour. It felt glorious. I need to go au natural more often. Tashon and I were talking…”

“Tashon?” Rafael said. “Also, this pizza is hot and I need to put it down.”

“You can put it on the counter. You brought wine too?”

“One never shows up empty handed when they're invited over. I thought this merlot would go well with some meat lover’s pizza. Who's Tashon?”

“She's the pretty woman with the afro from my spin class, I think I told you about her. We had smoothies last week and talked about Nabokov, Beyoncé, and the cultural appropriation attached to journeys to find one’s self. But we also discussed nudity and how she's used it over the years to come to love her plus-sized curvy body. I like her, will probably see her again.”

“I didn’t realize your dance card was so full.” Rafael said. “So many women, so little time, huh?”

“I love meeting new people. There are 12 million people in this city. I would probably be happy to have lunch with every one of them.”

“They would be happy they got to know you as well.” He smiled some.

“I'm glad you came.” Trevor reached out and squeezed his hand. “You didn’t sound right on the phone. You sounded stressed and sad and I didn’t like it one bit. Why are you still dressed for court?”

“I came straight from Hogan Place. I actually debated about whether I was going to come at all. I don’t want to become a thorn in your side, Trevor.”

“What are you talking about?”

He went into the kitchen and grabbed some plates from the cabinet. It was lucky that Rafael showed up. It was nearly 8 and he was thinking about ordering out. There wasn’t tons of food in the fridge and a smoothie, even one with all the essential nutrients, just wasn’t going to do for dinner. So this pizza, and the man who brought it, showed up right on time. The extra mile or so Trevor would have to run or bike at the gym didn’t mean anything to him at the moment. That was for another day.

“It’s not your job to take care of me.” Rafael said.

“Friends look after friends when they need it. Aren’t we friends?”

“Yes.” The ADA nodded.

“So shut up. Also, if you want, there are still some of your relaxing clothes in the third drawer. I know you don’t want to sit around watching TV in an Armani suit.”

“Actually, it’s Ferragamo.” Rafael said.

“Of course it is.” Trevor grinned. “Go and change, you make me feel as if I'm about to be cross-examined. I’ll make us some plates and set up Netflix.”

“OK.”

“OK, good.”

Trevor watched him go and sighed. Something heavy was weighing on Rafael and it was clear that he wasn’t ready to talk about it. Trevor knew from experience that pushing was the worst thing he could do. But he also knew that there were times when Rafael just buried things. 

He buried them deep with the hope they would never bubble again to the surface. That hope was rarely realized. Repression was never so simple and that was probably a good thing. Hopefully some good food and good company would make him feel comfortable enough to open up.

***

“That was ridiculous.” Rafael wiped is mouth as he laughed. “I mean it was incredible but it was so absolutely ridiculous.”

“I can't believe you’ve never watched _Bob’s Burgers_ before. That’s quality television we’re talking about.”

“I don’t have time for a lot of TV.”

“You have to make time.” Trevor said. “You have to laugh. Laugh until your belly hurts or until you snort or until tears come out of your eyes. Laughter will always be a good thing.”

“Sometimes you need a good cry too. Do you want another slice of pizza?”

“No…yes.”

“That’s what I thought you were going to say.” Rafael smiled and got up from the couch.

“Not that you didn’t already know this but when I need a good cry I just pop in a Disney movie. It never fails. Right now, it’s _Tangled_. I watch that and by the end I’m sobbing like a nine year old. God, its cathartic.”

“Isn't Eugene just the best?” Rafael asked. He was putting pizza on plates and sticking it in Trevor’s large microwave.

“He gets my vote as best ever Disney prince. Sometimes I might watch _Toy Story 3_ too but that’s only when I'm sad and need a cry, because no one watches _Toy Story 3_ if they're happy. It’s just a bad move all around.”

“When I'm sad and need a cry its Judy Garland albums all the way. No one sings the _Battle Hymn of the Republic_ like she does. I just hear her voice and I get emotional. After abuelita passed I put the ’61 version of _Somewhere over the Rainbow_ from Carnegie Hall on repeat, curled up in a ball, and just wept.”

“I know darling,” Trevor got up from the couch and went into the kitchen too. “I was there. It’s only been five months since abuelita died. You’ve been pushing and pushing to be alright and you don’t have to do that.”

“I'm a really busy man. I can't just stop everything to mourn.”

“She raised you, she loved you; you have every right to mourn.”

“I stayed in your bed for two weeks.” Rafael said. “At one point I actually started to smell, and you never once complained.”

“There was nothing to complain about.” Trevor shook his head. “You needed a safe place and I'm glad it was here. At least then I could look after you without being overbearing.”

“You're not overbearing.”

“And you're not a thorn in my side, Barba.”

They were looking at each other and the microwave went off. It seemed to startle Rafael but Trevor just opened it and grabbed his plate. He was looking at the liquor bottles on his counter thinking a cocktail would be nice. It was the middle of the week but indulging every once in a while was OK. A big bottle of water before bed would be like it never happened.

“I'm thinking about a rum and Coke.” He said. “Do you want one, or maybe some more wine? I'm sorry I don’t have any scotch in the house but it’s never been my drink of choice. I do have whiskey if Jack and Coke is more your thing.”

“I love you, Trevor.”

“I love you too.” Trevor looked at him and smiled.

“I mean I really love you.” Rafael closed his eyes and shook his head. “I'm sorry. I know that you’ve moved on and I respect that. I don't want anything to affect our friendship. It means so much to me considering that I have never deserved it. 

“But I love you. Maybe I never stopped. I try to go back in my head and think about where it all went wrong. It was me, my fault. I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me and all you did was still love me. What a stupid son of a bitch I am.”

“You're not stupid. You can be a son of a bitch though.”

“Trevor…”

“I can't let you hurt me like that again.” He said, deciding against the rum and Coke and just walking into the living room with his pizza.

“I don’t want to hurt you. I want to love you, I want to love you like you loved me and deserve to be loved. I think about you all the time. I want to be with you and I know I can't and I hate it. I just want to do whatever I have to do so that I can be.”

“Just because you want something, Rafael doesn’t mean that you get it. Life doesn’t work that way.”

“Yeah. OK. Look, I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything and I ruined a really nice night. I'm sorry Trevor. I'm just going to go before this gets more awkward than it already is.”

“Don’t go.” Trevor said. “C'mere, sit down and talk to me.”

“I don’t want to talk!” Rafael exclaimed. “I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I don’t want to mess this up.”

“Lack of communication is what messes things up. You say you want to do whatever you have to…you have to do that, Rafael. Come and sit down. Or you can walk away, but I promise you it will be the last time.”

He sighed, almost like a petulant child before grabbing his plate and joining Trevor on the couch. He didn’t look at him. It was out there. He'd said it and there was no take backs. Clearly it was something that Trevor didn’t want so now they were going to have to figure out how to go on after the ridiculous confession. 

Rafael didn’t want to go on. He wanted to go and jump off a bridge. Painting himself into a corner or making himself look like an idiot wasn’t something that he did very often anymore. It was never easy to come back from.

“I'm in love with you.” He said. “It is as simple or as complicated as that. I don’t know when I knew, maybe I always knew but after we broke up I didn’t know how to make it right. And you still wanted to be friends and that boggled my mind. I accepted it, it gave me less responsibility for what I'd done. I hurt you, and the truth is that we often hurt the people we love but I never made good for it. And I don’t want you back to make good for it, I want you back to make good for us. I want to laugh and cry and be safe and happy and grow old with you. No one knows me like you…no one loves me like you.”

“Are you just afraid to try and pursue something with someone else?” Trevor asked. “Dating isn't easy, intimacy isn't easy. And sometimes we like to fall back on things that are comfortable because discomfort isn't exactly what humans are wired for.”

Rafael had never been a serial dater. He wasn’t one of those people who fell in love easily. He could obsess and yearn; he could do that a lot. He had crushes and fantasies and thought about any variety of people, from the man he saw on the train to Olivia Benson. But that wasn’t love. 

Love was Trevor. It had been Trevor from probably a month after they met. It had been the nine months they triumphed together and then failed. Well, Rafael had failed. He failed Trevor and he failed himself. It wasn’t because he didn’t love him though. It had never been about that.

“I'm a bisexual.” He said. “I am attracted to men and women and I always have been. I don’t give a damn who knows. There is nothing wrong with me. I don’t need to be fixed. I don’t need to use my bisexuality as an excuse to be with a woman because it might make other people comfortable. 

“I want to be with the person who makes me feel like life is worth living. There's nothing wrong with that person being a man. I lost the one person in my life who loved me unconditionally and unabashedly from the moment I came into the world and she knew I was different, maybe she didn’t know how but she always told me that she loved me anyway. A lot of people have come and gone from my life, that’s the way it is. But there have only been a small few who fit into the corners of me like she did. I've lost all of them in one way or another. If I could have one more chance; I just need one more chance.”

“This is a pretty bold thing to do just so I won't take Ellen to the theater.”

“Trevor!”

“I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm sorry.” He laughed a bit and leaned his head on Rafael’s shoulder. “Snark is my default; I'm sorry. I want to wrap my arms around you and never let go. It’s incredibly difficult not to love you. I miss you, I've yearned for you, and it never fuckin stopped. I moved on, I had to for my sanity. Taking a step back seems like the wrong thing to do but, you asshole, this is all I've ever wanted to hear.”

“Really?” Rafael didn’t bother to hold back his tears. He was tired of holding back.

“Yeah.” Trevor nodded. “Really, really. So I'm taking you back, and I'm risking my heart and my sanity because it’s you. It’s always been you, Rafael.”

“Te amo tanto, cuchura. (1)” Rafael kissed him.

“Me too, always.”

“Eres mi corazón. (2)”

“Eres mi alma. (3)” Trevor replied.

“I love when you speak my language.”

“We’ve always spoken each other’s language. And for a while it’s going to be all rainbows and hot morning sex but relationships are more than that, Rafael. They are tough times and arguments and hard conversation; we have to do that well too. It won't work unless we put in the work.”

“I'm here for the work.” Rafael took Trevor’s hand in both of his. He kissed it. “I'm here for the hard parts, the easy parts, the sexy parts, and the part when you sometimes insist on sitting down to pee so you can play on your phone. That always drives me nuts. I'm here for you because it’s you. Let's make it official.”

“What does that mean?” Trevor asked. He had no idea what Rafael was talking about. A part of him was excited and another part a little scared. It was a fantastic feeling.

“Pillow exchange. I’ll take two of yours home with me tonight and bring back two of mine probably this weekend.”

“The pillow exchange is a great idea. But you're not going home tonight, Rafael. And wipe the silly grin off your face because we’re not having sex either.”

“That wasn’t why I was grinning.” Rafael lied.

“It was totally why you were grinning; you are such a bad liar. We’re going to have cocktails, watch _Tootsie_ , and then go to bed. I think we should also finish the pizza.”

“I am 150% behind finishing the pizza.”

Rafael went to the kitchen to make their drinks. Trevor leaned back on the couch pillows and had another big slice of pizza. This was happening. It was happening again, just as simply as it began. There was a lot of history there; love and pain, happiness and unhappiness. 

Through it all they remained in each other’s orbit. That was one thing that Trevor knew he wouldn’t be able to stand. He never wanted to lose Rafael. And despite their breakup, he never had. Now he had him back. 

The glow could wear off as soon as the weekend. The time would come for a serious conversation about the implications of this. Or maybe they wouldn’t talk it to death. Maybe they would just love each other and the rest would work itself out. For once something needed to be easy. Loving Rafael was easy.

***

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. I love you so much, sweetie.  
> 2\. You are my heart.  
> 3\. You are my soul.


End file.
